resume

resume.

resume (verb - transitive): 1. to assume or take again. 2. to return to or begin again after interruption. 3. to take back to oneself. 4. to pick up again. 5. reiterate, summarize. (verb - intransitive): to begin again something interrupted.

résumé (noun): 1. summary. 2. curriculum vitae. 3. a set of accomplishments.

resume. résumé. used one way, it means to pick back up where you were after being interrupted; to continue; to move forward. used another way, it is a piece of paper where you list your past skills, education, experiences, and accomplishments to your prospective new employer in hopes you have something they're looking for in a new employee.

r-e-s-u-m-e. six letters. two meanings. it's been six months since i've been out of a job, and i can't seem to do either.

why is it so hard for me to move forward? why is it so hard to me to even look at my résumé? (from this point on, i'm going to spell it resume and just hope you know to which i'm referring.)

seriously, i've hardly looked at my resume since i last updated it back in maybe 2007, 2008, 2009? it's been so long since i've actively looked for work, i don't even know.

but remember those crossroads i brought up a few posts ago? i'm about to run into a wall because i'm been out of work so long, i'm going to run out of money. nothing like fear as a motivator.

things would be so much better off for me if i theoretically held a steady job still. i wouldn't be living at home. it'd be easier to talk to girls. i could start paying off debt, again.

and i have the skills. i know i do. i've been told i do. i could totally be working right now, but i'm not. i could get a job if i wanted to, but i haven't wanted to. i could have worked on my resume ten months ago back in august when i knew i'd be out of a job after christmas, but i didn't.

let's talk about why i barely touched my resume. i hate my resume. i hate resumes in general. having worked in HR for the past seven years, you know how much i've hated the fact that recruiters and hiring agents say they only glimpse at resumes? i put a lot of hard work into making my crappy resume look pretty, only to have someone brush it off as the garbage it probably was. that stings. not really because of the effort i put into it, but because i know the truth. no previous work experience, mediocre grades, basic skills, no extra-curriculars: my resume sucked back then.

but if i actually sat down and began to re-work my resume, i'm sure it wouldn't suck that bad now. i've gained new skills and experiences that are applicable to any job i apply for, i'm sure of it. and with a new and improved resume, it just opens the door to all different kinds of paths i can venture down. so the question remains: what is stopping me from actually working on my resume?

i'll tell you what. you know how a resume is supposed to represent your past experiences and accomplishments? that's exactly what is stopping me. i don't want to face what that resume is going to tell me. i am scared of that listing of experiences and accomplishments staring back at me.

seven years at a job i didn't have a passion for and often times complained about and sometimes hated? seven wasted years. seven years i could have and should have been doing and pursuing something else; something that i actually wanted to do. i only wanted to stay at that job for three years max. what was i doing the last four years?

and before that? nothing really. no part-time jobs. no summer internships. nothing but cold-calling and door-to-door b.s. straight out of college. after college! i didn't work during college or even through high school. another reminder of wasted time. i was good for nothing.

...

i had to take a moment there and wallow in my own self-pity. the problem is that's all i ever do anymore since i stopped working. (since i lost her, really.)

they say you can't know where you're going without knowing where you've been. ugh. i know where i've been, even without looking at my resume. i've been sitting on my butt, doing nothing.

for over a year, but especially since january, things just kind of stopped for me, and i haven't been able to find the drive to resume. they call that complacency. i hate that word. my first boss back when i was cold-calling business owners said i was complacent, and he'd known me for what, 3-4 weeks tops? that word has stuck with me since and there's nothing worse than knowing you have a problem but not doing anything about it. well, i guess not knowing you have a problem is worse, but you know what i mean.

so i'm complacent. which means i'm content being where i am. no, eff that. i'm not that content. yeah, i've been lazy, i've enjoyed my time off, and i've avoided resuming my life, but that's not what i want; not where i want to be. i've changed my mind: eff complacency. i'm tired of it.

a resume should be geared towards something you know you want to do. you can't just have one generic resume for all jobs. that's also what's stopped me before. besides not knowing if i'd be good enough or desirable to a future employer, i didn't know what i wanted to do next. how i can adjust my resume to that unknown?

not anymore. i've finally decided to pursue teaching. you may have missed it in an earlier post, but i'll reiterate. i've always had an inkling that i'd make a very good teacher. it also helped that everyone has told me the same thing. i feel like my skill set would transfer over very well, and i just have this innate feeling like i'm meant to do something meaningful and that makes a difference in someone's life. i think i could have a passion for that. it's time i made that my focus.

now that i have a direction, i know i can conquer the fear of the resume. then maybe i can finally resume my life.

p.s. - i know it's been two months since my last post. i just haven't been in a writing mood until today. i think the urgency is setting in, like i know i have to work on this resume, but i needed to put my thoughts down in writing before i tackled it head on.

but i hope to have the writing bug a lot more frequently ongoing. some things have happened in the last two months that i'd like to expound on: i got in a car accident, i went to costa rica, i had sex, i got in front of a mic and told a few stories to a small crowd, i started playing beach volleyball for a sport and social club...hmm? what's that? yes i said sex. you'd think that's something i'd want to shout out from the rooftops. but no, it was just sex. sad, but true. you know what though? for my next blog post, i think i'll fill you in on the sex.