resume

resume.

resume (verb - transitive): 1. to assume or take again. 2. to return to or begin again after interruption. 3. to take back to oneself. 4. to pick up again. 5. reiterate, summarize. (verb - intransitive): to begin again something interrupted.

résumé (noun): 1. summary. 2. curriculum vitae. 3. a set of accomplishments.

resume. résumé. used one way, it means to pick back up where you were after being interrupted; to continue; to move forward. used another way, it is a piece of paper where you list your past skills, education, experiences, and accomplishments to your prospective new employer in hopes you have something they're looking for in a new employee.

r-e-s-u-m-e. six letters. two meanings. it's been six months since i've been out of a job, and i can't seem to do either.

why is it so hard for me to move forward? why is it so hard to me to even look at my résumé? (from this point on, i'm going to spell it resume and just hope you know to which i'm referring.)

seriously, i've hardly looked at my resume since i last updated it back in maybe 2007, 2008, 2009? it's been so long since i've actively looked for work, i don't even know.

but remember those crossroads i brought up a few posts ago? i'm about to run into a wall because i'm been out of work so long, i'm going to run out of money. nothing like fear as a motivator.

things would be so much better off for me if i theoretically held a steady job still. i wouldn't be living at home. it'd be easier to talk to girls. i could start paying off debt, again.

and i have the skills. i know i do. i've been told i do. i could totally be working right now, but i'm not. i could get a job if i wanted to, but i haven't wanted to. i could have worked on my resume ten months ago back in august when i knew i'd be out of a job after christmas, but i didn't.

let's talk about why i barely touched my resume. i hate my resume. i hate resumes in general. having worked in HR for the past seven years, you know how much i've hated the fact that recruiters and hiring agents say they only glimpse at resumes? i put a lot of hard work into making my crappy resume look pretty, only to have someone brush it off as the garbage it probably was. that stings. not really because of the effort i put into it, but because i know the truth. no previous work experience, mediocre grades, basic skills, no extra-curriculars: my resume sucked back then.

but if i actually sat down and began to re-work my resume, i'm sure it wouldn't suck that bad now. i've gained new skills and experiences that are applicable to any job i apply for, i'm sure of it. and with a new and improved resume, it just opens the door to all different kinds of paths i can venture down. so the question remains: what is stopping me from actually working on my resume?

i'll tell you what. you know how a resume is supposed to represent your past experiences and accomplishments? that's exactly what is stopping me. i don't want to face what that resume is going to tell me. i am scared of that listing of experiences and accomplishments staring back at me.

seven years at a job i didn't have a passion for and often times complained about and sometimes hated? seven wasted years. seven years i could have and should have been doing and pursuing something else; something that i actually wanted to do. i only wanted to stay at that job for three years max. what was i doing the last four years?

and before that? nothing really. no part-time jobs. no summer internships. nothing but cold-calling and door-to-door b.s. straight out of college. after college! i didn't work during college or even through high school. another reminder of wasted time. i was good for nothing.

...

i had to take a moment there and wallow in my own self-pity. the problem is that's all i ever do anymore since i stopped working. (since i lost her, really.)

they say you can't know where you're going without knowing where you've been. ugh. i know where i've been, even without looking at my resume. i've been sitting on my butt, doing nothing.

for over a year, but especially since january, things just kind of stopped for me, and i haven't been able to find the drive to resume. they call that complacency. i hate that word. my first boss back when i was cold-calling business owners said i was complacent, and he'd known me for what, 3-4 weeks tops? that word has stuck with me since and there's nothing worse than knowing you have a problem but not doing anything about it. well, i guess not knowing you have a problem is worse, but you know what i mean.

so i'm complacent. which means i'm content being where i am. no, eff that. i'm not that content. yeah, i've been lazy, i've enjoyed my time off, and i've avoided resuming my life, but that's not what i want; not where i want to be. i've changed my mind: eff complacency. i'm tired of it.

a resume should be geared towards something you know you want to do. you can't just have one generic resume for all jobs. that's also what's stopped me before. besides not knowing if i'd be good enough or desirable to a future employer, i didn't know what i wanted to do next. how i can adjust my resume to that unknown?

not anymore. i've finally decided to pursue teaching. you may have missed it in an earlier post, but i'll reiterate. i've always had an inkling that i'd make a very good teacher. it also helped that everyone has told me the same thing. i feel like my skill set would transfer over very well, and i just have this innate feeling like i'm meant to do something meaningful and that makes a difference in someone's life. i think i could have a passion for that. it's time i made that my focus.

now that i have a direction, i know i can conquer the fear of the resume. then maybe i can finally resume my life.

p.s. - i know it's been two months since my last post. i just haven't been in a writing mood until today. i think the urgency is setting in, like i know i have to work on this resume, but i needed to put my thoughts down in writing before i tackled it head on.

but i hope to have the writing bug a lot more frequently ongoing. some things have happened in the last two months that i'd like to expound on: i got in a car accident, i went to costa rica, i had sex, i got in front of a mic and told a few stories to a small crowd, i started playing beach volleyball for a sport and social club...hmm? what's that? yes i said sex. you'd think that's something i'd want to shout out from the rooftops. but no, it was just sex. sad, but true. you know what though? for my next blog post, i think i'll fill you in on the sex.

silver linings

ok it's taken me a few days to gather my thoughts to properly address my encounter with the girl from the previous post. recap: i met a girl, we had a great conversation, she invited me to a storytelling show, i was smitten.

fast forward to this past monday at said show. boyfriend.

errrrrrrtttttttt!!!! (at least that's how i think you spell that sound of tires screeching to a halt.)

so i met up with her and she's there with her two lady friends. i'm a little shy at first. do i hug? do i shake hands? i just wave, cause i'm dumb like that. a few introductions are exchanged. not ten minutes goes by then does one of her friends asks about the texts she's getting from scott. (yes that scott. always trust your instincts. unless your instincts are wrong.)

"so what's the deal? are you hitting that?" says the friend. ok, not in those exact words, but pretty similar. after some hemming and hawing, and non-concentrated stares out of the side of my head, she confirms it. they're dating. well that was fast. a little too fast.

what i mean by that was, this friend didn't seem to already know they were dating, but seems to know them both of them separately. this was the time she chose to ask? i dunno, seemed a little too convenient to have brought that up just as this new guy was sitting down at their table. do i think it was sort of planned so that it was out in the open before i had a chance to muck things up? kinda. if it was, slick move by them, because i stayed silent.

i mean it too. i didn't say, "oh hey, that's great. i'm happy for you two." really, i wasn't happy. i don't even really know them well enough to be happy even if i wanted to be. so i just sat there, not knowing what to say or talk about because these are new people, and i was just crushed to hear the news that i was secretly dreading for about a week.

eventually, they talked to me and asked me questions. they had their conversations too that i listened in on. a new friend arrived and he was a cool dude too. he told a story that night that had the room rocking with laughter. the rest of the stories were winners too. there was maybe only one where i checked out. eventually scott arrived, and it wasn't that awkward. probably because they had removed all doubt before he got there. wise choice ladies.

as we listened to the great stories, i was getting to know these people a little. and i was meeting their friends, people i'd seen here and there before at these events, finally putting names to faces. and we were having fun and funny conversations.

for instance, i remember one guy talking about his new girlfriend and how much he is enjoying it. he talked about the three things that are a must for him to date a girl. here was my chance to interject because i had actually been thinking about this a little while ago. i chimed in with, "in order for me to date a girl, i have to know that she thinks farts are funny and not gross."

well that was met with laughter from the table and a face of horror from one girl. i guess i know which one i won't be dating if it came down to it. but it was great because i just threw that out there and it didn't matter that i had just met these folks. that night we discussed penises, vaginas, (i'm cleaning it up a little bit here of course,) porn, jobs, being out-of-a-job, favorite ways of sitting, and other random stuff. been a while since i had conversations like these in a big group.

yeah i was still a little salty about the whole boyfriend thing, which probably led to me drinking three 20oz beers and driving home later that night a little more tipsy than i had realized. in fact, i debated on the 45min drive home whether or not to drown my sorrows with some late night junk food. i ultimately downed three doritos locos tacos and volcano burrito from taco bell before collapsing on my bed and knocking out.

the next day, i wanted to write about the night, but i didn't know what to say, or what i wanted to say. i wanted to say how much it sucked that she had a boyfriend. but that wasn't the prevailing feeling from the night. i had a good time. that's what i kept thinking. so i sat on writing or tweeting about it until now.

here's what i came away with. even though things didn't turn out the way i wanted, it turned out to be a good night regardless of the fact that i didn't get a chance to even express any interest in the girl. really. the silver lining was that i still had fun, heard some great stories, and i had met some new friends. most of all, i eventually realized that i think i'm ready to date again.

kind of a coincidence that the theme of the storytelling night was "silver linings."

p.s. - so i'm going to be seeing scott and the girl tonight at another storytelling event. you know, i decided that i want to be happy for them. she's real nice (obviously i couldn't tell the difference between being nice and flirting) and he's a really good and funny dude. it also kind of gives me hope that a goofy-ish and kinda pudgy guy can pull a girl like that. no offense to scott. but, in the off chance that they may not work out, i don't think i'd mind being that rebound guy. just saying.

so i met a girl...

i decided to take a break from the slightly melancholy overtone of my last post and thoughts to bring you some unexpected news and emotions. so i met a girl this past week. and what's so different about meeting any one girl than any other, you might ask? i don't know really. there wasn't anything overly special about the girl, the scenario, or the circumstance (the who, what, why,) but rather i think it was the feeling i had afterwards.

that was an overwhelming feeling of optimism. and genuine excitement. and downright giddiness.

brief background story - i'm 31 and separated. what that means is by law i'm still legally married. what's important to note is that i've been separated for roughly 18 months. and in those 18 months i've started to heal from a broken heart. i haven't been with anyone for 18 months, haven't even wanted to the first year. i can count on two fingers the times i've even openly flirted with a girl and asked her out in some fashion. the opportunities just haven't been there, but i'm trying to change that.

fast forward to the present time. in trying to "get out there" i've been attending these readings/writings/storytelling shows that are held monthly on certain nights in local bars here in chicago. they're awesomely entertaining. but they're also a great excuse to just get out there and be around people. that's where i met her.

i'd seen her before a couple times at some different events. (she's somehow apart of the shows or maybe just a fan of the events like me. but she's way too cute/pretty to maybe talk to. oh well, if i get to meet her, great. if not, meh. but man, i wonder what she's all about?)

so here we were on tuesday: my friend dave and i were going to a storytelling show, we're walking up the stairs, and lo and behold, there she is stamping hands at the doorway. i smile and hold up both fists not knowing which should be stamped. she smiles and says either one.

throughout the show i glance in her direction all the way across the room. she's mingling, taking pictures, listening to the stories. i actually point out to dave how i think she's cute though i'm not convinced he remembers who i'm talking about. at intermission as i'm talking with some girls from my recent storytelling workshop, i turn to my left and see that she's made her way over by me and is talking with some people she knows, and my friend dave!

end of the night rolls around. me and dave are chatting with some people, and here she comes and is standing next to me on my right. hi. hi. handshakes. nice to meet you. small talk. conversation.

some highlights: eye contact.

"you took the class i took? the month before? does that mean we're gonna be in the same show?"

"you're 31? me too!"

"you don't look 31."

"you don't either."

haha.

"i'm not really working right now."

"i've been there - i was laid off recently."

"but i'm thinking of becoming a teacher. probably high school history."

"i teach high school english!"

whoa.

"i used to live in the city but now i'm in the burbs and i hate it."

"which suburb?"

"bartlett."

"i grew up in bartlett!"

double whoa. and more hahas.

hug.

there was so much more in the conversation, and it was good conversation. i remember a lot of it, even though it was such a blur. lots of smiles, laughs, things in common. it was the longest me and dave ever stayed around after these events. (kudos to dave on playing the wingman and distracting scott and johnny.)

we've agreed to meet up and help each other with our stories for our show next month (along with the others in our classes.) i'm also seeing her again on monday at this event she told us about and invited us to. i wanna feel her out a little bit more before i make any moves. (did scott just walk by her and graze his hand along her tummy to move by, or was it there a half-second longer than normal? hmm...) still, i may be new at this, but dammit if wasn't picking up some strong signals. we'll see.

and the best thing was that it was out of the blue. totally unexpected. it was a pleasant surprise to have met her and talked to her for that long. and because of that, i was normal. i didn't freeze up or get nervous and awkward like i do around pretty girls. it allowed me to be myself and i played it cool. well, cool for me at least. but i think the feeling was reciprocated and so the conversation just flowed. and from there, i was smitten.

...and i think i'm gonna ask her out.

p.s. - so remember how i talked about risk in my last post? this falls into that category. i want to ask her out, and i don't know if she'll say yes. see, i've been paralyzed by fear of rejection all my life, which is why i think the overall feeling is so striking to me now. because i've got a good feeling about this, and i'm hopeful she'll say yes.

i also touched on some of my background personal life. i did not do it justice above because there's just too much to go into. that's what i wanted to write about in this space if not for this unforseen happy moment. but i do still want to talk about it because it's important to me. for now, let's just say it does not define me in any way, but it does explain who i am now. more to come.

lastly, i'm hopeful to see this girl two times this week. if all goes well, i'll ask her out to dinner. wish me luck.

see you at the crossroads

so it took me a couple days to figure out what i wanted to say and write about. there's so many different directions i'd like to go, but which one? do i want to be one of those funny bloggers who writes about jokes and makes fun of everything? do i want to be a cutting edge blogger who writes about all things new and exciting? do i want to do a sports blog, where i can talk about all my favorite teams? do i want to write about food, movies, people, chicago, life, etc.?

the answer to all of those questions, ultimately is yes. i want to do all that. i don't want to be tied down to any one kind of thing or pigeonhole myself into one genre. but i figure i'll get around to all of that, eventually. there's plenty of time. what is it that's on my mind right now though? that's what i should be writing about.

so here it is.

i'm worried. i'm a little scared. i don't know what's in store for me in the near or distant future. such is life though, isn't it? how did i get to where i am now? and where exactly am i?

i feel like i'm at a crossroads in my life. i look behind and i see who i was and where i've been; some things nice, some things great, some things i regret, and some things i can't bear to relive. but i've got some choices. i could forge on ahead on the same path, nothing changing, living my life as i had been, and staying the course on the safe straight and narrow. i could do nothing, and wallow in my unhappiness and complacency (not bloody likely.) or i can make a change, switch directions, make a sharp left or right (no political implications there) and see what it does for me.

that's what i want to do. i want to take a risk, for once in my life. if it works out, great. if it doesn't, even better, because i won't have that lingering doubt in my mind of what might have been anymore. i'm tired of living like that. it sucked. time for me to choose a new path, however big or small. so while i am a little worried and scared about which direction life will take me (or i will take life, as it were,) there's also a little bit of excitement and a good kind of anxiety there as well. i look to the positive.

the word crossroads will always remind me of that song in the early 90's by bone, thugs, 'n' harmony. the name of the song was, wait for it..."crossroads."

"i'll see you at the crossroads (crossroads, crossroads), so you won't be lonely."

sounds good to me.

p.s. - halfway through writing this, i realized how stupidly vague i made everything sound. i almost want to punch my own face off for sounding so pretentious and melodramatic. not my intention...or was it? maybe that's just how i'm feeling right now. meh. anyway, i promise to get into more details of my life in future posts. if you're still interested by then. thanks...

hello world

i have no idea where this is going, but i know it's time for me to start. this blog may be all over the place at first because i know i have a lot of thoughts. i just don't know how to organize any of them yet. i'll be writing about all the things that are important and interesting to me. i'm sure there will be lots of nonsense as well, but at least you can also expect a lot of humor, humility, and candor when you read about them. so please, indulge me and i hope you'll stick around a little longer. thanks!